Earlier this week, LeBron James unveiled his new signature Nike Shoe, the LeBron 12, but that wasn’t the interesting part. Before we get to that, take a look at that picture up there. That’s James in June with former teammate Dwyane Wade after losing the 2014 NBA Finals. Now take a look at this video of the sneaker launch. That’s James earlier this week. With hair.
As you might expect, the Internet flipped out. With everyone eager for something involving athletes that wasn’t profoundly depressing (à la Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Paul George, and so on), the response was swift, hilarious, and excellent. We trawled the Internet to find the best of the best, and discovered a combination of comments, tweets, and assorted online statements regarding the state of LeBron’s scalp.
We did not disappoint ourselves. Instead, we found gold-plated gold, the kind of stuff every NBA fan depends on to get them from the conclusion of the Finals all the way to October.
5. The Deadspin Comments Section
While Deadspin’s actual coverage of James’s hair was little more than a series of photographs and a giant question mark, the comments section — particularly if you’re a fan of the dumb and the dad jokes — was excellent. Some of the best have been rounded up for your easy entertainment:
- “It’s a long and arduous path to rogaine one’s image.” — fusilligarybettman
- “I think it’s a savvy move. He’s showing all of Cleveland that it’s possible to come back from a recession.” — Pkellen2313
- “Well, he did say he was going back to Cleveland to return to his roots.” — nikkolai
Never change, Deadspin.
BREAKING NEWS: Drake has agreed to donate some of his eyebrow hair to Lebron James hairline.
— Funny Quotes (@MyFunnyJokeBook) September 17, 2014
4. Drake’s Eyebrow Hair
This joke was actually tweeted days before James’s shoe announcement, but it worked so well, and was so prescient, that MyFunnyJokeBook decided to reuse it in the wake of the LeBron 12’s. We enjoyed it both times.
3. The Throwback to the Past
Astute NBA fans will remember that 2009 was the year that Rashard Lewis was hit with a ten-game ban for failing a drug test for PEDs, and he, along with teammate Hedo Türko?lu (who was caught in 2013), would be two of the few players ever prohibited from playing for using performance enhancers.
i dont know if i can live a life without lebron hair jokes. is chris bosh going to not look like a dinosaur next season if so i quit
— DANCESTADAMUS (@dances) September 17, 2014
2. The Existential Dread
It’s not quite Being And Nothingness, but Dancetadamus has begun to contemplate the harsh idea of a world in which nothing is constant, not even the hair loss of one of the world’s best basketball players. It begs the question: what happens if we wake up tomorrow and Kobe is once again the Afro’d number eight?
1. The Vicious Cycle
For years, NBA fans have been able to comfort themselves with the idea that the sun would rise in the East, that there would be at least one seriously questionable set of calls that would determine a pivotal playoff series, and that LeBron James would slowly but surely ramp up the width of his headbands as his hairline ran away from the front of his head. Now it’s all changed. Everything is topsy-turvy, but we’re still going to mock, because that’s what we do.