There’s only so much you can do during a NASCAR truck series rain delay, especially when you forgot to join a fantasy baseball league before the season. So, I brought in a ringer to finish my work Friday night.

With artificial intelligence all the rage – the boss keeps telling me he can’t wait to replace my sorry butt with a machine – I asked ChatGPT to tell me about NASCAR’s worst scandal. And to spice it up, I asked it to respond in three distinct styles.

Michael Waltrip may not be diggin’ it, but ChatGPT did not disappoint in retelling the story of the 2007 Daytona 500 despite its disclaimer that it may produce “inaccurate information about people, places, or facts.”

A Southern twist on the Michael Waltrip scandal of 2007

Half the country still cannot accept that a bad NASCAR race is still generally better than a good NBA game, so they fall back on the cliché of racing being redneck fare. To pander to that segment of the audience, I asked ChatGPT to explain NASCAR’s worst scandal while using a drawl.

Here’s what it generated:

“Well, darlin’, let me tell ya ’bout the biggest ol’ scandal that hit NASCAR like a tornado in a trailer park. It was back in the year of 2007, when one of NASCAR’s top drivers, Michael Waltrip, done got caught cheatin’ at the Daytona 500, which is like the Super Bowl of racin’.

“Ya see, Michael Waltrip’s team, they done messed with the fuel in his car, tryna gain an unfair advantage. They used a substance called ‘jet fuel’ in the gas tank, which ain’t allowed in NASCAR, ’cause it’s more powerful and can make the car go faster. But it’s against the rules, plain and simple.

“When NASCAR found out ’bout this here cheatin’, they came down on Michael Waltrip’s team like a ton of bricks. They fined ’em a whopping $100,000, took away points, and suspended his crew chief and team director. It was a black eye for NASCAR, ’cause cheatin’ goes against the core values of fair play and sportsmanship that they hold so dear.

“Now, Michael Waltrip, he done apologized and said it was a mistake, but the damage was done. It was a big ol’ scandal that shook up the world of racin’, and NASCAR had to tighten up their rules and regulations to make sure it don’t happen again. It was a lesson learned the hard way, and a stain on the sport that folks down here in the South won’t soon forget.”

OK, Chat GPT, now tell me about it as though I’ve never seen the sport

“Well, let me explain it to ya, friend, in a way that anyone can understand, whether you’ve seen NASCAR or not. NASCAR is a professional car racin’ sport that’s real popular in the United States, where drivers compete in high-speed races to see who’s the fastest on the track.

“Now, back in the day, there was a big ol’ scandal that happened in 2007. One of the top drivers, Michael Waltrip, got caught cheatin’ at one of the most important races called the Daytona 500. Cheatin’ in NASCAR means tryin’ to get an unfair advantage over the other drivers, and that ain’t allowed.

“What Michael Waltrip’s team did was mess with the fuel in his car. They put a special kind of fuel called ‘jet fuel’ in there, which ain’t allowed ’cause it’s more powerful and can make the car go faster. But that’s against the rules, plain and simple.

“When NASCAR found out ’bout this cheatin’, they came down hard on Michael Waltrip’s team. They fined ’em a whole lot of money, took away points, and suspended his crew chief and team director. It was a big mess that caused a lot of fuss and attention, ’cause cheatin’ ain’t supposed to happen in sports.

“Michael Waltrip said he made a mistake and he was sorry, but NASCAR had to make sure it didn’t happen again. They had to tighten up their rules and make sure everybody played fair, so that the racin’ could be fair and square, just like it’s supposed to be. It was a lesson learned, and it was a real big deal in the world of NASCAR at the time.”

Finally, how would an Oliver Stone-directed movie tell the Michael Waltrip story?

“Imagine this, folks: it was the year 2007, and NASCAR, the high-stakes world of professional car racin’, was shaken to its core by a scandal that would make your head spin. Strap in, ’cause this story’s got all the twists and turns of an Oliver Stone-directed conspiracy movie.

“At the Daytona 500, one of NASCAR’s most prestigious races, a top driver by the name of Michael Waltrip was caught red-handed in a jaw-droppin’ case of cheatin’. But it wasn’t your run-of-the-mill cheatin’, oh no. It was a devious plot that went deep into the heart of Michael Waltrip’s team.

“Turns out, they had tampered with the fuel in his car, usin’ a banned substance called ‘jet fuel.’ This ain’t your ordinary fuel, mind you. It’s a highly potent concoction that can give a car an unfair advantage, makin’ it go faster and farther than the competition.

“But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. As the investigation unfolded, it was revealed that this cheatin’ scheme went beyond just one driver. It involved a whole conspiracy of team members, crew chiefs, and team directors, workin’ together like a well-oiled machine to gain an illegal edge.

“As the scandal unfolded, NASCAR was in chaos. Accusations flew, fingers were pointed, and the drama reached epic proportions. Michael Waltrip’s team was slapped with hefty fines, points were stripped away, and suspensions were handed out like candy on Halloween.

“But the plot thickened, folks. Speculations arose that this cheatin’ scandal went even higher up the ranks of NASCAR, implicatin’ other teams and individuals. Whispers of backroom deals, secret meetings, and hidden agendas filled the air.

“In the end, Michael Waltrip apologized and took the blame, but questions lingered. Was he just a pawn in a larger game? Who else was involved? And what were the real motives behind this elaborate cheatin’ scheme?

“The scandal left NASCAR reelin’, forcin’ ’em to tighten their rules and regulations to prevent such a scandal from ever happenin’ again. But the mystery and intrigue of this sordid affair still lingers in the annals of NASCAR history, like a dark cloud castin’ shadows over the world of racin’. It’s a tale that’ll make your head spin and leave you wonderin’ just how deep the rabbit hole of deception really goes.”

Epilogue: More to come at a date to be announced

As anyone who’s asked ChatGPT for help knows, responses to timely questions are prefaced with a reminder that the cutoff date for its knowledge base is September 2021. Thus, it has about an 18-month learning gap to overcome at a date to be determined.

Let me just say that I look forward to the update, at which time ChatGPT will enlighten us about Hendrick Motorsports and hood louvers.

Also, I damn near broke Grammarly.com by trying to run the above text through the software to clean up typos an’ grammar.

Got a question or observation about racing? Sportscasting’s John Moriello does a mailbag column each Friday. Write to him at [email protected].